Picture this. You’re kicking back sometime in the very near future, sipping margaritas and lamenting your lack of a hoverboard (I imagine this is something you do on at least a daily basis). Suddenly, your nostrils detect something strange in the air. Is that… sulphur? And perhaps… ozone?! (How good is your sense of smell, by the way! Well done!). And before you can say DEAR GOD JOHN CUSACK WAS RIGHT you’re washed away in a river of lava, and the confused tears of Fred Phelps.
And what’s happened to me, you ask? Why, thank you for your concern. I am working, because it is a Saturday (probably), and looting has begun. In panic, the hipsters of Mt Lawley have shed their laconic air and descended on the best stores of Beaufort Street to ravage its treasures and premium coffee. In an act of devotion and loyalty that is, frankly, quite typical of my selfless nature, I decide to save the best of Ruck Rover from the hands of the unappreciative. But what to save? I can’t take everything, I am but one woman!
That’s why I have prepared this handy list. To make sure I am ready for what is, in my opinion, an extremely likely eventuality. And so, in no particular order, the things of Ruck Rover that I would (selflessly and at great personal risk) save from certain destruction would be:
1. I Heart Guts Uterus Plush Toy
Look, this would be just one of the MANY soft toys that I sleep with. I also have a small black dog, this weird blob thing called ‘Melville’ that my boyfriend made when he was seven, a red ….thing….called Alistair that laughs manically when you push its tummy, and a red bear called Lenin (GEDDIT?). This one will fit in nicely. I will probably call him Kramer. Yes, it’s a male uterus.
You laugh now, but you’ll be WISHING you had my soft toys when the world is ending.
2. Lazy Oaf I Would Give You Seven Out of Ten
This is great, purely because of the thought that’s gone into it. You’re not a six, (which should be a relief to you, I expect) but I’m afraid you’re just.not.quite. an eight. But, you’re still above average! I know, because it says so on the bottom of the card.
3. Sandy Peter Pan Dress
I have a fascination for the innocent and childlike. There is a peculiar ecstasy to embracing the fearless enthusiasm of younger thinking. This dress has the bold colours, cut, and name of some of my happiest memories.
4. Whatever Heather Love Letter Necklace
I think jewellery should mean something. Especially if it’s particularly nice or unusual, like this necklace. I’ve bought this one for myself, because I love words. However, the letter also opens up, and inside is a little note with “I love you” engraved on it. So this necklace could have all sorts of meaning, really. And you know, I like myself ok. So it works.
5. Lisa Max Booze Brothers Beer Stubby Holders
Lisa Max lives in Perth, and she does really, really cool character designs. We have some of her art on cushions and tees, too. They’re pretty much unadulterated joy in ink
6. Candy Stripe Cloud Bunch of Balloons Brooch
I love bright colours. Not enough of them in the world.
7. Emily and Fin Lizzie Dress
Dear fashion designers. Please make retro clothes in prints other than spots. Because I have far, far too many spots. And don’t get me wrong, I like spots. It’s just I have so many, it’s starting to look like an obsession.
Emily and Fin do some lovely cuts with a fifties and sixties flavor to them. I love this dress for its lush full skirt and flattering waist. It’s also very versatile - you can remove the straps if you like.
8. Shara Porter T-Rex Wallet
When I was a kid, I didn’t like dinosaurs. I thought they were ugly. Now I like them, and I’m not sure why. I think I grew up to value strength and guts and fierceness. And what’s fiercer than a dinosaur?
Probably a dragon. But dinosaurs really existed once. Also, these wallets are unbelievably soft, making them amazingly tactile.
And so, finally, the last item I would save from the Apocalypse (because my hands are getting full) is….
9. Every Single Guy’s Tee Ever!
(I mean, not just the ones belonging to the unattached, but each and every tee) … but specifically, the “The Gentle Emperor” by Tender Loving Empire. Or the “Creepy” Tee, created by Kyle Hughes-Odgers, Ruck Rover and Outré Gallery for the Outskirts festival last year. I love the idea of a Gentle Emperor; I reckon the world needs one. And the Creepy tee is vaguely Lynchian, which is a term I use for anything slightly unsettling.
So there you are. Thanks to me, these items will remain as a shining example of remarkable taste and fashion to the aliens that discover our bodies. You are VERY welcome.
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